Category Archives: Funny

Things and stuff and silence.

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It’s a secret (c) Paul Brunskill

I’ve come into my blog about six times this week to try to write something.

It hasn’t worked.

Part of this is because there are actually some fun things happening and I can’t talk about any of them until they’re finalized, but I want to, so I’d rather say nothing. Part of this is because between work and trying to write and May always being a busy month in my life, my brain is kind of cracked. I don’t have anything left to say here!

Hence the silence.

The problem is, I still have nothing to say! Instead, I decided I’m overdue for a Cracked.com roundup of awesome articles. Below are links to some of the articles I’ve enjoyed in past weeks.

And last, but not least, from Jezebel.com, because, yes: 

Something funny for your Saturday!

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Every once in a while I consider deleting Facebook. It’s annoying and time consuming and just ugh. But then I stumble across something that makes me giggle and I say, “Nevermind! Worth it!”

I found the post below on Facebook this morning and had to share. The best part, the book they’re talking about is real! I think I’m going to go buy it now. If you want to, click here: Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A Very Merry Unbirthday To YOU!

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I swear I had something quasi important I wanted to post today… but for the life of me I can’t remember what it was! So, instead, I wish you all a very merry unbirthday! And also bring you another one of my posts brought to you by Cracked.com. Go read these articles! I enjoyed them:

There you go. Enjoy your weekend!

To keep you entertained this weekend. :)

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As predicted, my schedule this week will be SO INCREDIBLY WONKY. To amuse you and appease my own non-posting guilt, I decided to leave you with entertainment while I’m gone. And so I present to you, my recent favorites from Cracked.com. Some of them are useful for writing, others are just awesome. Enjoy!

Oh, Friday.

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Today has been the day of EPIC TECHNOLOGY FAILS at my day job. Seriously. It’s been a little insane. So the post I was going to write is out the window. HOWEVER, I thought I would share one of the insanely weird news stories that come out of this state I currently inhabit. Hopefully it baffles you just as much as it does me. Enjoy.

Photo credit: Lawrence Gray/Orlando Sentinel via corvetteblogger.com
Postal Service Begs Floridians To ‘Please Stop Crashing Into Post Offices’ 
by Benjamin Preston

Even the U.S. Postal Service thinks Floridians are bonkers. This year alone, there have been eight completely unrelated incidents where someone crashed a car into a post office. But that statistic only covers Central Florida. The rest of the state is another story.

In response, the Postal Service recently released a public service announcement with handy tips on how not to crash into a post office.

Insert Bugs Bunny gif… now.

WWSB7 reported that the tip sheet includes friendly reminders to “Avoid distracted driving; Proceed slowly and carefully when pulling in, and backing out, of parking spaces; Visibly check to see whether your foot is on the gas pedal or the brake pedal,” as well as “Visibly check to see if the vehicle is in Park, Reverse or Drive.”

Of course, it doesn’t help that 4 million of the Sunshine State’s 15 million drivers are over the age of 60 (and one might argue based upon the regularity of wacky news headlines emanating from down that way that a solid third of the rest exhibit signs of genetic dysfunction and/or methamphetamine fanaticism). Elderly drivers, while they tend to be more careful behind the wheel than most of the rest of us, often have a tough time turning in their keys when it’s time to stop driving.

Most of the accidents in Central Florida happened because drivers stepped on their cars’ accelerator pedals instead of hitting the brakes. But there was one who said she saw something falling out of the sky and drove into a post office lobby to get out of the way. It’s good to know that there are people who answer to a higher power. (Hat tip to Grant!)

This post is a cop out. Just saying.

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I have a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind (ALL GOOD THINGS, just in case you were wondering) and so this post is totally going to be a cop out where I entertain you with articles I didn’t write. Once again, I direct your attention to Cracked.com, those internet geniuses of comedy:

5 Movies Made Possible By Characters Who Suck At Their Jobs
The 5 Stupidest Things Ever Done With Borders (NOT the bookstore… though they could probably do an article on that, too.)
The 5 Most Terrifying Ways Doctors Went Crazy On The Job
6 Mind Blowing Things People Built In Their Backyards
5 Reasons Why Some People Love Cars So Damn Much
The Bizarrely Specific Haircut of Popular Paperback Writers
8 Ridiculous Animal Myths You Probably Believe
5 Ways To Trick Your Body Into Being More Awesome
The 5 Most Insane Childbirth Stories Of All Time
The 6 Most Important Sci-Fi Ideas (Were Invented By A Hack)

ENJOY! 😀

Funnytime: Everyone Needs To Giggle

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I have a lot of things I need to get done today, but I really wanted to post something… luckily I found a compromise! It’s been a while since I’ve done a Cracked.com article roundup, so here are a few I’ve enjoyed recently. As always, there’s a PG13 warning on everything from Cracked. These people have hilariously awesome potty mouths 🙂

5 Prejudices That Video Games Can’t Seem To Get Over
5 Things Modern Kids Don’t Understand About Being A “Nerd”
5 Iconic Buildings That Were Barely Saved From Destruction
The 4 Weirdest Lessons 80s Movies Really Wanted To Teach Us
The 5 Most Terrifying Ways Your Brain Can Turn On You
6 Movies That Predicted Disasters With Eerie Accuracy

Friends: The Ones Who Last

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The best friends I have are the ones I can say this about:

Debuts: Why Publishing Your First Novel Is Like Running For Student Body President

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Because this is a topic much on my mind lately, I found this post on Writers Digest extraordinarily timely! I also loved the comparisons and the fresh way of looking at things. I enjoyed it so much I’m reposting the entire thing here. 😀

Why Publishing Your First Novel Is Like Running For Student Body President
By Michelle Haimoff
Guest column by Michelle Haimoff, writer and blogger whose writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Christian Science Monitor, PsychologyToday.com and The Huffington Post. Her first novel, THESE DAYS ARE OURS (Feb. 2012, Grand Central, starred review from Publishers Weekly), is available nationwide. She can be found blogging on genfem.com and on Facebook and Twitter.

Picture being a new student at a high school where you don’t know anyone (1). And now picture dementedly wanting to run for school president (2). Lord knows why you want to run for school president, but maybe you think you’d make a terrific president. You have really good ideas and if people would just give you a chance you could make this school the greatest school the world has ever seen (3). You know it’s a long shot but it can be done, so you set out to do it.
1 – writing your first novel
2 – publishing your first novel
3 – it is possible that your novel doesn’t suck

You start making signs (4) and trying to get student groups (5) to let you talk at their meetings . But nobody knows you so they tell you that they don’t have time for you to talk at their meetings (6). The kids on Yearbook (7), Model UN (8) and Debate Team (9) won’t even look at you (10) when you approach them. The ones in Band (11) and Chess Club (12) say no way, but the Community Service Committee (13) says they’ll think about it. You make sure to say hi to all Community Service Club members in the hallways (14) anytime you pass them. They never say hi back.
4 – writing emails
5 – newspapers and magazines
6 – review your book
7 – The New Yorker
8 – New York Review of Books
9 – The New York Times
10 – respond to your emails
11 – Daily Beast
12 – Salon
13 – The Atlantic Salmon Journal
14 – retweet their tweets

Your signs (15) are made out of loose leaf (16) and graph paper (17) because you’re paying for them with your own money and you can’t afford oak tag (18). But you notice that other candidates, the jocks maybe, have signs (19) that are professionally laser printed (20) and hang as banners in the hallways (21). You look at your dinky graph paper sign and then at the enormous sign in the hallway and you wonder how you’re ever going to get anyone to vote for you (22). Also, you wonder where they got the money for those signs. But you shrug it off and keep your head up because you’re an optimist (23). An unrelenting optimist (24).
15 – publicity
16 – Facebook status updates
17 – tweets
18 – a publicist
19 – personal websites
20 – really fucking well designed
21 – come up first in a Google search
22 – buy your book
23 – an idiot
24 – an idiot with an inflated sense of self

Every so often you stand at the entrance to the cafeteria (25) and take an informal poll to see how many students are planning to vote for you (26). One day two students tell you that they’ll vote for you (27)! But moments later the captain of the football team trips you (28) causing you to run and hide (29).
25 – go on Amazon
26 – check your ranking
27 – you were ranked lower than #400,000
28 – Amazon recommends that you check out the Fifty Shades Trilogy
29 – close all tabs

At this point you have a moment of sanity and wonder what the hell you were thinking running for office. There’s no way you’re going to win (30), you should just be focusing on your homework (31) and graduation (32). It is at that moment that French Club (33) tells you they want you to speak at their next meeting (34). You have tried so hard for so long and you are overjoyed by this minor victory. You come out of the meeting knowing that you got more votes.
30 – make any money doing this
31 – getting an office job
32 – saving up for retirement
33 – a blog you’ve never heard of
34 – is going to review your book

The election comes and goes and you don’t become student body president, but you don’t get the least number of votes either (35). The kids that voted for you (36) wish you better luck when you run next year (37). And now you actually have some friends in this school, or at least more people to say hi to in the hallways (38). And because you really don’t know when to quit, you think, “Hmmm. Maybe I will run again next year (39)… maybe I will (40)…”
35 – some books aren’t even in the top #400,000 on Amazon
36 – your readers
37 – tell you that they’re looking forward to your next book
38 – Twitter followers
39 – there is this other book idea I have…
40 – and my second novel will definitely sell better than my first…

Funny: Just Cause.

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I’m still swamped, but now I’m stressed, too, which sucks. Even though I really shouldn’t be on here right now, I was in need of funny and decided to share. So here are some things that may or may not amuse you. 🙂

5 People Who Held Grudges Well Past The Point Of Sanity
7 Movies That Put Insane Work Into Details You Didn’t Notice


Enjoy! I’m going back to work now…