While reading Nathan Bransford’s latest blog, Things I don’t need to know in a query letter, I came across a comment. This comment held a query written by Ulysses (yeah, I was impressed a Greek hero came back from the dead to write a query, too ;)). With all due respect to dead heroes, this query is a perfect example of everything you should leave out of a query. Many thanks to Ulysses for allowing me to re-post this.

Dear Nate-Dog:

I’ve taken sixteen years to write my fictional magnum opus: “Sixteen Years of Writing,” in addition to a good fifteen minutes researching the material on Wikipedia. I love it. My mother loves it too. My Dad hates it, but he suffers from papyrophobia and so this is to be expected. “Sixteen Years” is my fourth fiction novel. The other three are currently in the smallest room in my house, where their pages are occasionally read before being recycled. Amazon’s Breakthrough PW review said, “This is probably a book.” Stephen King’s publicist’s secretary’s assistant said something about “restraining order violation,” but I know he liked it. Although Agent X rejected this work, she said, “The words, taken individually, are not bad,” so you know I’ve got some talent.

The book explores themes of loneliness, heartbreak and misanthropy through the revealing lens of a man whose allergy to wood keeps him isolated from his forest community. In addition to being didactic, pedantic and preachy, the novel teaches the reader the value of cheese (particularly gouda) as an alternative building material, and how true love can reduce household expenses.

I think this book would be a great fit for the publisher of “Thirty Days in New Jersey,” and “Starting Religions for Fun and Profit.” They could do it up with a cover featuring a Martin Short look-alike and a Chihuahua. In red, because that stands out on the shelf. A homeless guy near my house thinks the local bookstore would make a killing stocking only this book and selling coffee. It has “New York Times Bestseller” written all over it. In crayon, for now, but we can change that. Take this on, and we’ll make enough money to visibly embarrass Oprah when she has me on her show. You’ll have to swing that, though, because her producer’s assistant’s nephew’s lawyer mentioned the same restraining order Mr. King’s publicist’s secretary’s assistant did.

I don’t have any psychological issues, as the attached court documents prove. My age is irrelevant, since my Mom and Dad can’t agree on that anyway.

I am willing to provide a short synopsis of the book. Also, a summary. Or an outline. I’ve got an abstract as well. I can also send pictures of me and my shoes. And short videos of a play I did in second grade. And, well, any of my possessions, actually, although you’ll have to give me an itemized list if you want someone else’s possessions.

Obviously, “Sixteen Years of Writing” is completely different from everything else out there. For one thing, all those other books have already been published. For another, none of them have been dictated to me by the monster under my bed.

Sorry for wasting your time, but I don’t have any of my own to waste.

Sincerely,
Ann Arthur